


Mating Room 451

by FireFleshAndBlood



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Alien Biology, In a sense, M/M, Mpreg, Other, Zim might be some kind of alien hermaphrodite use your imagination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 21:06:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3425591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireFleshAndBlood/pseuds/FireFleshAndBlood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's just another day at the Irken packing plant for conquered Earth Male Dib until he's selected for a very special project...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an ancient fanfic I scrounged from my archives. When I first began writing adult fanfiction I was embarrassingly obsessed with Invader Zim. I think this was posted on another site that has long since died or been blasted into infinity. I now leave this here and wonder if anyone who read it a thousand years ago (when I was a fresh faced twenty something just getting into fanfic) will read it again and fondly remember the bad alien sex. And for those who recall, I have added the second part that was never published. Hooray!

**Mating Room 451**

 

It was just another long irritating packing day for Dib Membrane, expert box folder and top taper (not to mention wasted genius) from the newly conquered planet Earth. Newly of course, being a relative term to Irken society as he had been on the packing planet for almost 12 years and enslaved under his Irken oppressors for almost 14.  Apparently, Earth had been reformed into a giant field planet, now hailing under the name ‘Manuralia’ or something equally stupid along those lines. A lot of agriculture went on there to provide the growing Irken army with it’s much needed nacho grains and fake cheese preservative.

 

Dib’s pride was of course wounded in a grievous manner by being a conquered race.  However, he could hardly work up the ambition lately to contest it. He had taken on the mantra quite some time ago that no matter how hard you resist, you just end up getting hurt in the end. Thusly, he had resigned himself to his mundane fate, a mere shadow of his previous existence. If he had played his cards right, he could have ended up like his father who was working for ‘the enemy’ and aiding them in building their monumentally complex technology to take over yet more unfortunate planets. But Dib could never resign himself to that kind of life; it went against everything he held dear: his very being in fact. All he could do now, under intense observation (he had tried to start a few riots and ended up in prison briefly; it was only his monstrous ineptitude and ‘smeet’ status at the time that had saved him), was to mess up a few packing destinations and use faulty tape, a far cry from the old days when cracking codes and delving into a crazed Invader’s secret laboratory took up most of his time. However, it did give him a certain sense of pleasure to know that the alien ‘Zim’ had failed miserably in his mission and was considered a waste of time even by his own people. He had been sent to some fast food planet somewhere ages ago as repentance for his massive stupidity. It was a small victory for Dib, but a victory he thought of often, none the less.

 

“At least you have that going for you,” he giggled dementedly.

 

The dull day-to-day activities were very obviously beginning to get to him.

 

A disgruntled looking guard from planet CTHUGANSHORG, or something along those lines, marched up the aisles, eying each of the bent over humans with a sneer. The humans visibly tightened their shoulders and hunched ever lower hoping pitifully that they wouldn’t be on the receiving end of more Irken abuse.

 

“Earth male DIB!” he grunted.

 

The other humans around him gasped.

 

Dib gave a half hearted salute, “yes sir?”

 

“You’re coming with me,” it said, slapping some high energy cuffs on his wrist, “The rest of you, GET BACK TO WORK!!”

 

The stricken faces of a few overworked humans quickly snapped back down to their dull tasks. Dib gulped as he was led away, churning through the awful reasons he might be singled out in his head. Maybe they finally figured out who was ruining all those packing boxes and scrimping out on the peanuts. He had a horrible feeling about this, a really terrible downright dreadful feeling.

 

 “Good afternoon, Human,” the giant cheerful wobbly alien said.

 

Dib sat on the pink overstuffed chair nervously. He was in a pleasantly decorated but obviously bizarre office. It looked like a psychiatric room of some kind.

 

“I suppose you’re probably wondering why you were escorted here,” the alien said flipping through a file.

 

“Yeah, just a bit,” Dib said shakily.

 

“Unfortunately, due to your…troubled smeethood, we had to use one of our larger guards,” the gloopy alien said sadly. “But do not fear, Box Packing Human, no physical harm will come to you!” 

 

“So then,” Dib said, while arching his brow, “why exactly am I here?”

 

The alien guffawed, “Oh, you humans, always with your incorrigible questions! Well…hmmm, Dib, it seems….that’s a very easy thing to answer!”

 

Dib leaned forward, his eyes wide with horrible anticipation.

 

“You’ve been chosen for a mass interbreeding program masterminded by Irk,” he said cheerily.

 

It took a moment for this to sink in.

 

“WHAT?!” Dib suddenly shrieked.

 

“Yes, it is quite a stroke of luck, isn’t it? You see, they want to run a long, involved test that requires interspecies breeding in order to complete. Excitingly, you are one of the few races in space that breed using genetic donors and interlocking chromosomes which pleased the Controller Brains to no end! However,” and at this point the alien’s face dramatically darkened, “human genes are an utter cesspool of horrors. I mean the anomalies in skin diseases alone are just…ugh! Luckily for us there are some humans that are wonderfully fit for this operation, much like you! Imperfect eyesight is hardly anything to worry about and that is the only regrettable genetic trait you seem to possess! You’re simply perfect for this test! One of our first choices!” the alien finished with an extraordinarily pleased look on his face.

 

Dib sat stiffly for a few moments with his mouth hanging open, “Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa! You want me to…BREED?!…with some…thing?!”

 

The alien blinked, “Indeed, yes.”

 

“I... uh, well…I don’t think I…” he stuttered.

 

“If the initial test is successful, you’ll be given a place to live with full access to privileges you’ve only hitherto dreamed of. Full use of most non-violent Irken technology, research material…even computers!” the alien said grinning while leaning forward.

 

“Damn,” Dib said under his breath, “that’s not too bad a deal, but still!”

 

The alien regarded him calmly.

 

He frowned, “Look I don’t know, mating with something…is a pretty serious thing with humans.”

 

The alien clasped his hands together.  “If you refuse, we could always murder you and your family by throwing all of you, screaming, into the incinerators.”

 

Dib gulped, “Well, if you put it that way…I can’t really say no, can I?”

 

“Excellent!” the jiggly green fellow said.  “You’ll report to the Mating Room 451 immediately!”

 

 Dib was escorted by more armed guards down a long hallway. Things were dark and eerily lit, accentuating the glowing green numbers that marked each industrial looking door, while simultaneously accentuating Dib’s creeping dread. It took nearly 20 long minutes of twisting and turning until the door marked ‘451’ appeared alongside the wall. His escorts stopped and glared at him. He looked back at them in confusion. A moment later, he was thrown rather roughly into a large empty room to the sound of their raucous laughter.

 

As he looked around, he realised that the room wasn’t quite as empty as he’d thought. There was a large comfortable looking bed in the very middle with nice plushy pillows and soft bedding. He sat on the edge gingerly while rubbing his forehead despairingly. He was starting to have some serious second thoughts.

 

“I hope it doesn’t have tentacles,” he fretted, “or some hideous alien cavernous vagina thing or…ugh…” he shuddered. Visions of Lovecraftien horrors danced through his terribly panicked head.

 

To his surprise, the door suddenly opened with a clang and a very pissed off…someone was chucked through.

 

“Don’t you dare belittle me!  I am ZIM!! You will obey!!”

 

You could almost hear the flushing noise in Dib’s head as all his horrible anxieties were eschewed into the ether, only to be replaced by this new horrific nightmarish reality. Nay, it was most assured he had taken on a reality more horrible then any he could have ever imagined!

 

Zim stared in confusion at Dib, while Dib just looked on dumbly with his mouth hanging open.

 

“YOU!!” they both said simultaneously, pointing at one another.

 

“If they think I’m going to…!”

 

“With you, of all Earth-stinks..!”

 

“You’re INSANE!”

 

“Your head is full of SMELL!!”

 

Dib paused for a moment. “Did you gain a foot?”

 

Zim suddenly appeared very proud.  “Why yes, yes I did. A full foot and a half now.  Feelmysupriorityearthstink!!” he shrieked gleefully.

 

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m still a good head above you, ZIM,” he said, wearing a rather self-satisfied smile on his face.

 

“Eh?!” Zim said quizzically.

 

Dib stood from the bed.  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I still am the nobler species here, Zim.”

 

“Feh! You’re puny race was conquered!” Zim said accusingly.

 

“Yeah, but not by you,” Dib replied with a grin.

 

Zim balked, but quickly regained his composure.

 

“So, Zim,” Dib said matter of factly, “what exactly are we going to do about our little problem here?”

 

“What problem?” spat Zim. “I’ve been given a great mission by my Tallest; to create soldiers for Irk!”

 

Dib blinked; he wasn’t really expecting that kind of response.

 

“So let’s get on with it, DIB WORM, and leave it at that!” Zim said waving his claw around.

 

_Well that was unexpected…wait a minute…this is Zim we’re talking about here…_

 

Dib smiled mischievously. “If you’re so into this, I guess that means you would know how mating is done?”

 

“Yes, yes of course I do. Very simple thing, you humans do it all the time,” Zim said dismissively.

 

“Ok…then what is it that we do exactly?” Dib said, a hint of mockery in his voice.

 

“What’s the big deal, Dib worm? We just have to….touch…fingers or something. That’s hardly worth my time!”

 

Dib started to laugh uproariously. Oh, the laughing he did.  It was too much for him; he was virtually hunched over clutching his stomach.

 

“What?! I am ZIM!! What are you laughing at, you stupid human FILTH?!”

 

“You! Ha ha! You don’t even understand the concept of putting slot A into slot B and you’re going on about soldiers and missions!  Zim, ‘mating’ as you so nicely put it, is a hell of a lot more complex than merely touching fingers!”

 

Zim was briefly taken aback but quickly regained his superior stance. “Well then, how do YOU do it, Dib worm!?”

 

Dib suddenly stopped laughing. “Well, we uh…there’s lots of wiggling and…” he paused for a very long time.   _How am I supposed to explain this?_   _When two people love each other very much…Oh hell no_.    
“…and then Iputmyorganinyourorificeandthere’slotsofmoaningandwe’redone!” he finished in a single exaggerated breath.

 

Zim eyed him with suspicion. “Is that supposed to feel…good?”

 

“Well, yeah, it’s supposed to.  I guess, although, girls have a differing opinion sometimes.”  _Oh god_ , he moaned,  _why the hell am I saying this?!_

 

“Well I, Zim, am not a girl, and so I should be fine.” And with that admonition, he marched over and sat on the bed, crossing his arms in front of himself.

 

Dib slapped a hand to his face. ‘If you aren’t female, exactly how are we supposed to do this?!”

 

Zim shrugged, “I dunno. You’re the Earth stink, aren’t you supposed to know about all this?”

 

He sighed, “Well, I’ve never actually had sex…with anyone…before, so I have no idea aside from basic knowledge. And you’re an alien!!”

 

“Eh?!  Useless, inexperienced…!” he hissed.

 

“HEY!” Dib shouted accusingly, “You don’t exactly know anything about how your species does it either! So quit blaming me!”

 

Dib sat beside him on the bed.  “Look, since we’re stuck doing this horrible thing together on pain of death, let’s just try to be rational and figure this out.”

 

Zim acquiesced.  “So, you’re supposed to stick your HORRIBLE flesh tentacle…somewhere. And that’s supposed to be on the bottom half of my SUPERIOR alien body.”

 

Dib rolled his eyes sarcastically.  “Yeah that’s how it goes. Congratulations, you figured it all out.”

 

Zim arched his brow, “But there’s nothing there.”

 

Dib looked at him oddly, “Huh?”

 

“Yeah…there’s just…nothing there at all. No ‘orifice,’ or whatever it is your STUPID human self described,” Zim said staring at him in a superior manner.

 

Dib groaned, “Ok, maybe you just need foreplay or something.”

 

“Eh?!” Zim exclaimed.

 

“Never mind.  Just kiss me, ok? And we’ll go from there.” Dib sighed pitifully.

 

Zim shrugged irritably and pursed his lips in an almost comical manner. Dib mentally kicked himself for every agreeing to such a thing and leaned in, landing a smooch directly on Zim’s weird, almost indistinguishable green lips.

 

_Kissing an alien sure is weird,_  Dib vaguely noted.

 

His kiss must have been a little on the weak side, because Zim had grabbed his head and pulled him in rougher and closer. Their tongues touched and Dib noted that the whole kissing thing wasn’t too bad, at least considering whom he was sharing spit with at the moment. However, he wasn’t so sure how he was going to survive the slightly more embarrassing part later.

 

Zim broke away, “So now what?” he grumbled.

 

Dib gave him a glare, “Just let me handle this, ok? Kissing is something I actually know something about. And shut up for once!”

 

“HEY!” But Zim’s obnoxious replies were drowned out by another kiss.

 

_Never would have figured_ , Dib mused,  _that kissing an alien wasn’t so bad.  Especially when it keeps Zim from talking._

 

This way, he could almost forget that the most annoying person in the entire universe was kissing him back. But what to do to further this situation? He had no idea! Vague flashes of bad porno and cheap adult magazines danced in his head.  He finally tossed those images aside for relying on sheer instinct.  His crotch would most certainly contain the answer!

 

They fell to the side and rolled around on the bed. Dib began to explore the soft green skin available to his touch. What would an alien like, anyway? A smile creeped across Dib’s lips; he had an idea. He began to gently stroke the antennae whenever their lips pressed together particularly hard. Zim made a small whimpering sound and began to struggle.

 

“Stop it, Dib wor-!” Zim gasped, but he was cut off by the happy little purr he made whenever the antennae were touched.

 

Dib smiled cheerfully to himself. Stroking the antennae made Zim passive! Oh, happy day! What he could have done if he had known that information ages ago. Not that he would have done what he was doing now or anything, but he could have saved himself a whole lot of rage-filled screaming directed at his poor sensitive head.

 

Startlingly flushed and aroused, Dib realised how utterly boring his life had been without Zim. Why, he couldn’t even work up the effort to even try to escape, since ever seeing Zim again had been out of the question. Then they had reunited, and now, under most unfortunate circumstances, they were grinding against each other. Dib pressing his hands against cool green skin, Zim pressing his mouth and body towards his own…it was horrible but gratifying all at once! Repulsed and yet pleasured, Dib struggled with Zim’s clothes. His smaller alien companion returned the favour by beginning to peel off Dib’s packing uniform. They writhed and struggled, locking lips and passionately moaning as the clothes were tossed unceremoniously over the edge of the bed.

 

Another steamy kiss and then something unexpectedly grabbed Dib’s very hard organ and sucked it in.

 

Zim’s eyes grew huge, “YOU JERK!” and he promptly punched Dib across the face.

 

“OW! That hurt, Zim! You sucked me in there yourself!” he said flustered, rubbing his cheek, “Your freaky alien body did that on its own!”

 

Zim hissed at him and then looked around skittishly as though considering escape. “Well then…get on with it,” he finally mumbled. 

 

Dib turned about seven shades of red and then did what he was told. It felt good, almost too good. The entrance was wet and malleable, containing a shock of heat that met each one of his thrusts. Zim was back to enjoying the moment, wriggling to and fro as Dib built up a slow but satisfying rhythm.  Just then, his backside was grabbed and forced ever deeper into that warm alien orifice. Dib gasped; it was fantastic! He did it again, harder, at which point Zim shrieked.  Dib started, wondering if he had hurt him, but was met with claws scraping down his back as an oblique notice to keep up the good work. It made him grin foolishly as he pounded harder into the most welcoming space, enjoying immensely the shrieking noises coming from his partner. Zim’s obnoxious voice had suddenly become unbearably sexy!

 

Without warning, Zim grabbed his hips and stopped him. He then proceeded to flip them over so that now Zim was on top and in control.

 

“INFERIOR earth-stink!” the little alien shrieked. 

 

Dib laid on one of his most cocky grins at this new turn of events. “Try and best me, space boy!”

 

He met each one of Zim’s hard shoves with a strong thrust of his own. They were truly pounding each other now.

 

“HARDER, you useless HUMAN FILTH!!” Zim’s screaming demands were met with Dib’s own tactile retorts.

 

It felt amazing for Dib to be able to pound ruthlessly into Zim as insulting obscenities were screamed at him. It was as if with each thrust, he relieved all of the old built up tension he had when they were kids. All that anger and hate and annoyance was directed with wild abandon into Zim’s orifice, and Zim was absolutely loving every second of it. He could thrust as hard as he wanted, harmfully so, and the little alien took it deliciously, clamping down tightly and screaming louder. Zim’s claws were all over the place now, scraping skin off of his chest, thighs and arms whenever they slammed down together. 

 

The pleasure was building to a maddening intensity, Dib gritted his teeth, “Zim, I’m gonna cum!”

 

His arms wrapped tighter around Zim’s waist and he slammed a final hard thrust into his body; a resounding shriek was heard coming from his partner as a frank tightness enraptured his pulsating cock in the last few moments of orgasm.

 

They fell to the side of the bed and began kissing and embracing passionately, clinging to the last few moments of afterglow. A few minutes passed, their eyes met and both their faces flushed with a horrid, sinking renewal of knowledge as reality began to kick in. Zim darted to the side of the bed and fell off with a thud, while Dib jumped up from the rumpled bed holding a pillow to his now limp crotch.

 

Zim cleared his throat, attempting to maintain a glare in Dib’s direction while gathering up his sheets, as Dib coughed into his free hand nervously and looked sheepishly over at Zim.

 

“I hope you don’t get the wrong idea, DIB WORM! We’re still enemies, you know,” uttered Zim, eyeing him carefully.

 

“Yeah, I know that,” Dib said, mustering up an equally hateful gaze.

 

“So,” said Zim.

 

“So…” returned Dib absently staring at the floor with a blush.

 

Zim paled and wrapped the sheets more tightly around himself.

 

“Uh, Zim, you’re looking a bit white. Are you ok?” uttered Dib as he struggled to put his clothes back on while still maintaining the pillow over necessary parts.

 

“Don’t be stupid, Dib worm. Of course I am!” he curled up more tightly into the blankets, shivering slightly.

 

“Zim, you don’t look ok.” A sinking feeling hit Dib’s stomach. What if having sex did something terrible to Irkens? Were humans even compatible? This was some kind of experiment, what if they hadn’t tested any of this! He couldn’t believe what he had just done!

 

BANG!

 

His thoughts were thunderously ceased. The door of the room flew open and the same guards that had thrown Dib into room 451, began to drag Zim and his sheets out.

 

“DIB!!” Zim squealed.

 

And then the door was suddenly closed. Dib stood there, rooted to the spot. For just a moment, Dib had seen a terrible fear in Zim’s eyes. It almost made him sick to his stomach; he didn’t want Zim to die! Suffer a little maybe; be brought down a peg, sure, but now confronted with his enemy after years of insane boredom…he totally snapped.

 

“ZIM! No!” he yelled, terrified, running towards the door.  “No….I need you!” he cried banging against the door. “It’s just…it’s just not worth it without you! ZIM!!”

 

His cries were dutifully ignored.

 

***

 

Dib had been dumped back at the packing plant for almost six and a half months now. He hadn’t heard anything about Zim, about the experiment, or about any of the privileges he had been promised. Suffering from a deep depression, his packing was getting abysmally bad; he’d been electro shocked six times this week alone.

 

Dib rubbed his cheek absently; there was still quite a bruise there. Not to mention a few scratches on his body to remember that night by. He didn’t regret the amazing sex he had finally had after 22 miserable years of his life, but he wished desperately he could take a wire brush to his brain and scrub the mortifying thoughts running through his head at all hours concerning Zim naked, Zim on top of him, and Zim in a million other perverted guises and positions. It wasn’t like one could get any sort of alone time here, living in a bunker with over ten thousand other human slaves. It made for some very awkward morning showers. 

 

“HUMAN MALE, DIB!!” an angry voice yelled.

 

Dib looked up from his tangle of tape on his poorly secured box to several very large, severe looking guards.

 

“Time to go!” they said gruffly, promptly cuffing him. They chained both his legs and physically lifted him by his arms, carrying him out the door.

 

“Uh, where are we going?” he asked, biting his lip.

 

Their angry faces didn’t seem the least bit interested in answering.

 

“Well, that went better then I thought it would,” he said to himself absently.

 

The apartment he was thrown into was actually pretty nice. There was a small kitchen, living room and dining room that all held various modern Irken styled sundries. But at the same time, it almost looked like they had taken Dib’s heritage into consideration as most of the stuff had vaguely familiar human purposes. He had been poking at the outfitted computer cubby (that had a very cool looking blue hued half moon shaped chair, much like Zim’s base, he had noted with a sigh) and learned to his joy that most information was commonly available over a universe-wide network. He could finally educate himself beyond middle school! Oh, the joy he was experiencing! Just then he heard a click behind him. Very slowly Dib rose out of the chair and turned to face…

 

THWACK!

 

“Ow, Zim! You’re ok! What are you…geez! Did you have to do that?” Dib yelled clutching his other cheek.

 

Zim said between gritted teeth, “I did it so you would have a matching pair, EARTH STINK!! Do you have any idea what I had to go through because of your HORRIBLE flesh tentacle?! DO YOU?!”

 

Dib blinked surprised, “No, not really.”

 

“WHY, YOU…!” apparently that had been the wrong answer because he got another harder punch to the stomach.

 

“Ow,” Dib whimpered, clutching his abdomen.

 

“They had to remove them out of my SQUIDLYSPOOCH! I was bloated for weeks like some HIDEOUS VILE THING!!” Zim said, waving his arms around dramatically.

 

“So you had a C-section?” uttered Dib, still clutching himself.

 

“AARRGGHH!”

 

But before Zim could land another blow, the door swung open behind Dib. In stepped a very angry looking purple haired girl that appeared to be about 6 months along.

 

“Dib…” she uttered.

 

“Oh Gaz! Thank god you’re here. Zim won’t stop--” At that exact moment Gaz landed a swift kick to him in the groin. He screamed and hit the floor.

 

“Thanks to you not being able to keep it in your pants, Dib, I’m part of this horrible breeding program now, too! You know what it’s like to be pregnant, Dib? HUH?!!” and she had grabbed him by his collar with her fist up to his face.

 

Dib was now holding most of the lower half of his body and wincing inwardly.

 

“I’m sorry?” he squeaked.

 

“You just don’t get it…”she said, staring at him bitterly.

 

Zim cackled, “Nice going, Earth Dib!”

 

Gaz leaned in real close to him, causing him to cease his laughter immediately.

 

“Don’t give me a reason to smash you unconscious as well, Zim! You’re just as much to blame as he is. If I didn’t know you were recovering from surgery, you’d be on the ground with him, nursing your broken squidlyspooch,” She hissed.

 

Zim gulped.

 

“And as for you, Dib, you won’t have another peaceful day as long as I live. I’m just across the hall, so mark my words, your unending misery will be assured!” she threatened.

 

With that final admonition, she stormed out the door and slammed it closed.

 

Dib groaned on the floor. “You know…I’m beginning to think my life sucks just a little bit more now than it did before.”

 

Dib heard a weird squeaking noise and then saw two little aqua eyes staring down at him.

 

“You don’t saaaaaay?” it quipped eerily.

 

“C’mon Gir,” Zim said, marching away from Dib who was still moaning on the ground, “We’ve got work to do.”

 

Dib groaned, wondering just what kind of work he was talking about. He staggered to his feet and limped towards the kitchen. He would eat a lot of really good Irken nachos, he decided, and possibly drown himself in Irken cola. It was the only real answer he could find to this most uniquely awful situation.

 

_At least life will be more interesting,_  he thought, in a desperate attempt to cheer himself up.

 

“WEEEE HOO, HOO, HOO!!” the little robot yelled as it went exploding across the room.

 

He slapped his hand to his forehead, “Who the hell thought this was a good idea!”

 

***

 

The tallest sat in their throne room, sipping sodas and flipping through papers.

 

“Hey, Red, look at this!” Purple said, waving a pamphlet in Red’s face.

 

“What?” Red mumbled between half chewed chips.

 

“Zim and that big-headed human actually produced real, viable Irken soldiers!” Purple said, genuinely shocked.

 

Red snatched it out of his hands and scrutinized it closely. “Well, you don’t say. Huh. I am beyond amazed.”

 

“No kidding,” giggled Purple. “I just had him put in the program to get back at him for all the stupidity he’d caused around here.”

 

Red giggled, “Heh heh, yeah. But wait! I’ve got something to add.”

 

Red made a few notes on the paper and then pushed it into an electronic slot on a panel.

 

Purple nodded, grinning, “That’s perfect!”

 

“This ought to stir things up a little!” Red chortled.

 

They clinked their coke containers together in celebration of Zim’s impending doomy misery as the Massive rolled on in deep space, looming apathetically over all other interplanetary life.


	2. Mating Room 451:2

Mating Room 451

 

II

 

The TV blared an alien version of The Scary Monkey Show as Dib sat staring listlessly at the television, stroking a certain peeved alien invader’s antennae on his lap. He didn’t care what he had to do at this point; he would do anything to have even five minutes of oh-so marvelous peace. His hand paused for a moment.

 

Zim grumbled, “keep petting human slave.”

 

“HEY! I’m not your human slave Zim!,” Dib said irritably, continuing on pain of Zim’s senseless prattle.

 

Gir waltzed by with a weird floating moose (where did that thing come from anyway?) singing a bizarre little song. It seemed he had a melting cake on his head. Dib sighed, another mess for him to clean up. Not that it was difficult with all this alien technology around, they had a sucky vacuum for everything.

 

A knock came at the door.

 

“It’s the MYSTERY MAN!!” squealed Gir cake splatting to the ground and Minimoose squeaking in agreement.

 

“No Gir, it’s probably just Gaz making my life a living hell again. Move,” Dib said pointing to Zim, “I’m getting up.”

 

Zim made a disgruntled noise and then curled himself up into a ball with his antennae laid flat. Head pets certainly seemed to chill him out for a blessed few minutes Dib was pleased to note and after all that senseless _screaming_ …thank goodness for small favours. He swung open the door fully expecting a punch in the face but instead was greeted with a very armoured guard twice his size.

 

“Earth Male Dib, Irken exile Zim you are hereby granted one expendable subgrade Irken soldier,” the guard barked.

 

“Sub wha? Who?” just then Dib caught the tiny little thing standing at the foot of the monstrously huge guard.

 

“Sir! I am Glem!” the tiny little smeet saluted him. He was small and apparently nude (which didn't mean much to a species with no external genitalia) with a tiny pac on his back. Most startling of all he had stark white skin and deep gold coloured eyes.

 

Dib blinked. Was this what he thought it was? Naw…it couldn’t be. Could it?!

 

“Uh heh heh and what were to happen to this little guy if we couldn’t take him in?” Dib said nervously.

 

“He would be incinerated with the other inferior smeets,” the guard growled.

 

“You don’t want me?” the little smeet looked up with huge watery eyes.

 

“No! No no no, you’re not getting incinerated,” Dib laughed nervously scooping the little smeet up, “we’re keeping you. But uh…out of curiosity, who requested him?” Dib immediately thought of Gaz and her horrible threats.

 

“It was at the behest of the Tallest themselves. BE HONOURED ALIEN FILTH!!” and at that the guard saluted then rocketed off down the hall.

 

“My TALLEST?!” Zim poked his head out the door whipping it every which way.

 

“No it was just a guard. He dropped off…this little fellow,” Dib said sighing, setting the smeet back down on the ground.

 

Zim eyed the smeet up and down, “state your name soldier!”

 

“I am Glem! Irken military status undefined! I’m your assigned subgrade Irken soldier!” he squeaked happily, saluting once again.

 

“Subgrade?! Feh! Incinerate him!” Zim said dismissing him with a wave.

 

“Oh..ok…I guess I’ll go incinerate myself,” the little smeet sniffed, kicking the ground with his little white toes.

 

“No!” Dib said frantically, “Don’t listen to him! He’s all kinds of crazy…and stuff!”

 

Dib glared at Zim, “Hey ZIM you do know what this is right? It’s our KID, one of those smeets they took out of your stomach.”

 

Zim shrugged, “eh, so what. He’s subgrade! Although without any obvious mental defects look at his pasty white skin! And those nasty HU-man eyes. Obviously inferior.”

 

“Inferior huh? Guess he’s a chip off the old block then!” Dib said glibly.

 

Zim wasn’t quite sure about blocks or chips of anything but took it as an insult considering its source, “FINE! If you want a smeet so badly, you can HAVE IT!! Just keep it away from ME and my MISSION!”

 

Dib tore at his hair in frustration, “ZIM! Growing mold on cupcakes IS NOT A MISSION!”

 

A finger was dramatically pointed in his face, “IT WAS UNTIL YOU THREW THEM OUT BY MISTAKE!!”

 

An all out brawl was inevitable at this point, as they punched and kicked at each other in mutual hatred and intense irritation.

 

Glem’s expression itself was really quite confused; unsure if his bodily incineration was actually a more productive course of action then the obvious insane exchange he was experiencing now.

 

“Hey,” a drab female voice said.

 

His smeet mandibles perked up as he turned to see a scary looking purple haired girl looking down at him.

 

“GAZ! Finally someone NOT insane” Dib said exasperated, brushing dirt off of his pants, “ – hey you look less fat now,” he remarked blithely, at which point he was again socked in the face.

 

Zim snickered, pulling himself off the floor despite being a little worse for wear himself after their scuffle.

 

“I was PREGNANT not fat you insensitive assface!” she hissed, “and I see what I heard was true,” she said snidely pointing down to Glem.

 

“Hi!” the little smeet squeaked.

 

“You heard what? How did you hear about that?” Dib said mouth agape.

 

She shrugged, “I get all kinds of information.”

 

Before she could go on, he interrupted her, “can we go over to the kitchen and have a private talk? Without CERTAIN OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE?!” he said, glaring at Zim.

 

“Go on and have your little TALKS filthy Earth boy! Maybe the smell of your inferiorness will let up a little!” Zim spat from the livingroom.

 

Dib growled in frustration and herded Gaz in the direction of the kitchen. For lack of anything better to do, she shrugged and went along with it.

 

Glem toddled over to the couch and climbed up on it, watching Zim grumpily sit in front of the tv beside GIR.

 

“Umm…” Glem said, “do you still want to incinerate me?”

 

Zim grumbled, “only if you take that big headed DIB with you.”

 

Glem looked down with a pair of sad smeet eyes. GIR giggled derangedly balancing on his head.

 

“Aww don’t be sad, the muffin man will come and eat your brains!” GIR exclaimed happily.

 

Glem just looked questionably at the little robot and blinked confused.

 

\---

 

“He treats me like a _housewife!_ ” he said exasperated.

 

Gaz just snickered leaning up against the counter.

 

“No, worse then a housewife. More like a slave! And you see all these insane little plastic greenhouse things laying around?! He’s convinced this is why The Tallest sent him here. To do some stupid mission on poison or mold or GOD I don’t even know anymore! If I throw out a single petrie dish he goes BALLISTIC! Do you know what it’s like having some maniac ranting at you for hours on end about insane shit that doesn’t exist?! HUH?! DO YOU?!” Dib said, his eye twitching with bottled up stress.

 

“Yeah, actually,” she said rolling her eyes, “but I’m not here about that. You haven’t been around to see Dad lately and…”

 

“BECAUSE I’ve been dealing with ZIM!” he cried.

 

“Whatever. Look he’s working on something really important so either you go, or your kid can go. Actually, that’s a better idea. The kid actually seems sane.” She sighed.

 

Dib stood there jaw agape, “you just don’t get it do you?!”

 

Gaz shrugged indifferently.

 

Glem by this point was actually playing a videogame, Zim had left the couch to check up on his magnificent mouldering experiments and GIR was still giggling at the pretty colours on the screen. Gaz sat down next to him and watched him for a minute.

 

“Up down right left and square,” she said, “then you get to the secret level.”

 

“Ooo thanks,” Glem said, doing as he was told and indeed getting to the magical secret level.

 

Gaz crossed her arms carefully, “You’re not crazy like your parents, are you?”

 

“Naw, I’m all normal and stuff,” he said.

 

Gaz’s shoulders seem to grow less tense, “good.”

 

It was about ten minutes later when an ungodly shriek was heard coming from the kitchen.

 

“WHHYYY MUST IT BE?!”

 

“ZIM! Mold is NOT a MISSION!!” Dib screamed, “IT’S –JUST- DISGUSTING!! AAGGHH!”

 

In a sudden explosion of severly repressed rage from both parties, they tumbled out from the kitchen, clawing, biting and otherwise attempting to beat the living hell out of the other.

 

Gaz stood sharply from her seat on the couch, gritting her teeth, “Come on Glem! We’re going for a little walk. Your insane so called parents can work out their idiotic problems themselves!”

 

Glem peered over the edge of the couch, staring at the ball of rage before him, “are you sure they’re going to be ok?”

 

Gaz’s eye twitched markedly, “if we’re lucky, they’ll end up killing _each other_. Come on. Lets go.”

 

She dragged the little smeet out of the apartment by his small pale hand, leaving her brother to fend for himself.

 

“HEY!” Dib said, as the door was slammed markedly despite his protest, “she just doesn’t care!” he said exasperated.

 

Zim took this opurtune moment to land a punch square in the eye, knocking off Dib’s glasses and most likely paving the way for a royal shiner the next day.

 

“YOU!! You!-“ Dib searched for the right word, “revolting little cockroach!”

 

“Serves you RIGHT vile Stink DIB!!” Zim cackled.

 

“Oh yeah?!” Dib shouted, “well take SOME OF THIS!”

 

And with a horrible crunch he bent Zim’s left antennae.

 

“AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” the hideous shriek defeaned all those unfortunate enough to hear it.

 

Dib stood back panting, rubbing his eyesocket while Zim pitifully tried to fix his bent antennae.

 

“You HORRIBLE DIRT MONKEY!!” Zim shreiked.

 

“REVOLTING Alien MONSTER!” Dib shot back.

 

Zim sniffed when his antennae wouldn’t straighten itself out, then quickly adapted a murderous glare.

 

“You disgusting VILE horrible stink creature! If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have had to ENDURE the horrible SMEETING!! It’s all your DISGUSTING FAULT!!” he screamed, pointing a finger dramatically.

 

“ME?! You were the one that said it was your MISSION! You don’t even have the compassion to be NICE to your own KID!” Dib cried back.

 

“YOU HIDEOUS EARTHENOID MONKEY!!”

 

“UGLY LIZARD BUG THING!!”

 

“PITIFUL HUMAN FAILURE!!”

 

“PATHETICALLY CRAPPY INVADER!!”

 

They gave each other a glare of death that was broken only by their mutual, realized misery.

 

“If it weren’t for YOU and your stupid HEAD I’d be…” Zim sniffed.

 

“If it wasn’t for YOU and your horrible RACE I’d be….” Dib said, wiping his uninjured eye.

 

A very rare occurance indeed, suddenly happened. The pairs of eyes that had stared at each other with such glaring and horrible hate just moments ago, suddenly softened with mutual realisation.

 

“If it weren’t for you Zim,” Dib sighed, hanging his head, “I’d have lived my whole life trying to prove everything to people who just wouldn’t listen,”

 

“If it weren’t for your hideous meat self…” Zim choked out, still trying to fix his broken antennae, “I’d still be frying disgusting slop in Shloogorgs for the next 1500 cycles without my mission.”

 

They stared at each other pitiably, Dib's eyes growing a bit moist while Zim's one good antennae wilted.

 

“Here let me help,” Dib said quietly.

 

Gingerly he made his way over to Zim and managed to move the damaged mandible around until it cracked back into place.

 

“Stupid horrible human,” Zim snarled.

 

Dib rolled his eyes, “whatever.”

 

They stared into each other’s eyes for a few hesitant minutes. Zim’s antennae twitched a bit and Dib’s mouth quirked slightly, amused.

 

“It could be worse,” Dib said finally.

 

Zim glared, “I suppose your inferior meat brain does have a point.”

 

Dib coughed, “So…wanna have sex?”

 

It wasn’t a second later that Dib was privy to a very insistent Zim mashing his face against his own.

 

\---

 

 

Gaz idly leaned against a glass cylinder filled with orange glowing gloop while Glem dangled his little legs sitting on a laboratory table.

 

Proffesor Membrane was throwing various materials to the side, trying to find some essential item for his bizarre experiments.

 

“I didn’t expect you would ever convince your brother to take science seriously,” he said with much enthusiasm, earning an eye roll from Gaz, “I’m very proud of you daughter. Very proud! You’re both doing very well! How is your husband by the way?”

 

Gaz growled, “still a blob creature dad.”

 

“Ah ah, daughter, that’s _xenophobic!_ ” Membrane punctuated with a pointed finger, “they prefer to be called Blob _persons_!”

 

She groaned loudly, “He’s a blob of gelatinous goo. It’s not like he has _feelings!_ ”

 

Glem poked at a strange alien device. He received no response from the little block with the blinking lights so he threw it over the edge of the floating platform. Promptly he heard an explosion a few levels down and a few errant Irken screams.

 

“Now little boy,” Proffesor Membrane said, staring intently at the smeet, “I know you’re the child of my _insane_ son,” he punctuated that statement with a moist gaze dramatically to the left, “But I’ve still held out hope all these years. Do you see the intrinsic value of _real science_?!”

 

Glem carefully considered that statement. Science was pretty neat and all. And the pack on his back that was because of science allowed him to live so…his antennae perked up dramatically.

 

“Yep! Real science is just grand,” he chirped.

 

Professor Membrane looked like he was going to cry behind his goggles.

 

“GRANDSON!!” he proclaimed dramatically with a tear in his eye and scooped up the little smeet for a bodily crushing embrace.

 

Gaz quietly made retching sounds.

 

 


End file.
